


Making The Hard Choices

by liquidheartbeats2



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-26
Updated: 2020-09-26
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:27:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,019
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26667448
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/liquidheartbeats2/pseuds/liquidheartbeats2
Summary: This story takes place immediately after the porch scene (where Iris and Barry kiss) at the end of season 2, but with one major difference: Barry doesn’t run back in time to save his mom, so he never created Flashpoint. He feels broken beyond repair, but hearing that Iris has feelings for him gives him what he needs to try to heal in the moment.
Relationships: Barry Allen/Iris West
Comments: 7
Kudos: 50





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Please let me know what you think!

**TWO WEEKS AFTER HENRY'S FUNERAL  
**

* * *

Barry's bedroom was almost pitch black, except for a sliver of light that crept through his curtain.

Normally, Barry would have sped over and closed it, returning to his spot before even missing the comfort of his bed, but the woman wrapped up in his arms was a light sleeper. And he didn’t want to disturb her. 

He exhaled, nuzzling his chin into her hair.

He couldn’t see her face, but he imagined her image on his chest. Closed eyes, fluttering gently as she entered REM sleep-- mouth, gently parted. It was the same image he’d imagined since he was old enough to have fantasies of the sort. 

Barry should have been sleeping, regaining strength from the passionate night they’d had.

Instead, he was reflecting on the recent events of the past few months. Zoom, the second speedster to turn his world upside down, had infiltrated his team, gained their trust, only to reveal himself to be the speed demon terrorizing Earth 2, and his own earth. 

He was also the second speedster to kill one of his parents.

This time, it was his father, Henry Allen.

To say that Barry’s heart was heavy was being kind.

His heart was broken, shattered. 

He still had the capacity to love, and he did. He loved Iris with every fiber if his being, but his heart was too damaged to hold it in large quantities.

It seeped through, usually falling into the pit of his stomach.

That’s why, after 20 years of being in love with Iris, hearing her telling him what she felt for him had been the most painfully satisfying admission he’d ever heard. Having her affection, her love, had been the only thing he’d wanted since he was eleven years old. But he was far too corrupted in the moment to give her what she needed, what she deserved, emotionally. 

Then, after his father’s funeral, he was contemplating running back in time before Iris joined him on the porch and kissed him. His greatest dream had come through, but his grief wouldn't allow him to fully enjoy it. He felt the joy of a love finally realized and the numb aching pain of death at the same time.

But it was enough to keep him from doing something irreversible: running back in time and saving his mother, and undoing this beautiful life that Reverse Flash and Zoom had tried their best to destroy.

It was enough to make him think about a possible future with Iris. But he knew that he couldn’t be the perfect man for her as he was. He needed to heal before diving into a relationship.

Friends with benefits, however, was another thing. 

“Barry,” Iris asked, shifting in his arms. “You awake? Before you say no, your heart rate slows down when you’re asleep. But I can feel it pounding against my head.” 

Barry shook his head in awe. She was so attentive, so nurturing. Exactly what he needed. “Yeah, I’m awake."

He pulled her closer and kissed her forehead.

"You wanna talk about it?" Iris settled deeper into his chest and rubbed her hand up and down his bare stomach.

It was an innocent gesture, but the scraping her fingernails along his skin electrified him, eliciting a throaty groan from him. This was all still new to him, and he was still so sensitive to every aspect of her. Her smell, her voice, her touch. 

“No, there is something that I do want to though,” he said, sliding his hand down her slender frame. “Again."

“ _Oh_ ,” Iris thrummed, seductively. “You’re going to have to let a girl wake up a little bit first. I’m still worn out.”

Barry smiled. It had taken them a little while to find their rhythm, but going from friends to lovers had been the most natural thing in the world.

It had only been a couple of weeks since that night on the porch. 

Iris had known by looking into his eyes that he was not okay, even though he had said that he was. Losing his father, she knew that he was putting on a brave face -- that he must have been contemplating doing something stupid. Because of this, Iris had gone inside to get her coat so they could go off somewhere. 

Her quick return caught him off guard. Because he had looked like he was ready to bolt away before she grabbed his shoulder. Surprise, but also relief, had washed over his expression. Almost like he was glad that she was saving him from himself. 

When she offered out her hand, he took refuge in it, sweeping her up into his arms and heading to her apartment. 

They had well into the night. About his dad. His mom. Her mom, too. Joe. Cisco.

How crazy their lives had become.

Everything they’d been suppressing for the last year or so came out, and it felt good. 

Even the pain. 

But then, when neither could talk, or cry, any longer, they turned their attention towards each other’s mouths, then their necks, then, their bodies. 

The heightened state of their emotions made their first time together more passionate.

The longing, the loss, the lust -- all that each was feeling was channeled through their lovemaking.

Since then, Barry had stayed over at Iris’ almost every single night, as they adjusted to their new dynamic. Many times, sex was the thing that soothed their heavy hearts. Barry hurting for his father. Iris hurting for Barry. 

This night was no different. 

Barry carried a weight on him that the other team members couldn’t understand that way Iris could. And they certainly couldn’t help him the way she could. Everyone assumed that they had just been talking, but many nights, talking was replaced with heavy moans, and lusty “I love you’s.”

Iris yawned, shaking away the sleepiness that was trying to maintain its grip on her. If Barry was awake at this hour, it’s because his mind had become an endless war zone of what could have been. The life he could have had with his father. All of the things they could have caught up on, but didn’t.

She also knew that Barry couldn’t bear to verbalize those thoughts, so she didn’t want to push him. Instead, she stretched her arms, and then climbed onto his lap, situated right on top of his manhood. His hands followed suit, finding themselves on her hips for the second time that night. 

“I’m awake now, babe.”

**SIX WEEKS AFTER HENRY'S FUNERAL  
**

* * *

With Zoom defeated, Central City was finally calm again.

There were still the normal run-ins with bad metas, and the daily threat from other criminals, but that was to be expected. Thankfully, but also, unfortunately, the only permanent damage that Zoom had inflicted was the Hell he’d unleashed on Barry’s life. 

But even the pain of losing his father, after only having him back a few short weeks, was starting to subside. The constant, piercing pain that made it hard for him to breath at times -- that pain, was gone. 

What was left, was the slow, aching pain of his loss that crept up at the most inopportune times. When he was at work on a murder scene for CCPD. When he was so consumed with his loss that he let a criminal go free. One of the only times he didn’t feel like that is when he was with Iris. 

He sat in the control chair of S.T.A.R labs, reminiscing over the last two months with her, which had been a whirlwind. 

Their relationship had moved from friends to something more.

They were not in a relationship because Barry knew that he wasn’t emotionally stable enough for one, but their love for each other was clear. 

She was absolutely perfect -- everything he ever needed and wanted. Attentive, loving, caring, beautiful. Yet, there was a gaping hole in his heart that had been preventing him from being truly present with her.

Deep down, he knew that he was hurting her. And he didn’t think he’d be able to do it much longer.

Iris deserved better than a broken shell of a man.

Better than sneaking around behind her father’s back.

Better than _him_.

“Hey, man. What’s up with you?” Cisco asked as he entered the cortex. He was wearing the familiar grin that always lifted Barry’s spirits. If only temporarily. “You look like you just lost your best friend.”

Barry shook his head in response. _I think I’m about to._

“Is this about Iris” He asked when Barry didn’t answer audibly.

Barry forced a smile past the frown on his face. “Why would. No, I’m fine. Just thinking. 

Barry’s teeth caught the skin of his lips, in an attempt to bite back his tears. 

“Seems like more than thinking" Cisco replied, cautious to not get on Barry’s bad side. He’d been more than moody lately. Understandably.“ I’ve sensed a little tension between you two lately.”

Barry coughed, attempting to bide himself time. Things between him and Iris had grown complicated enough without the added aspect of the team knowing about them. Especially without a commitment in place. But the only response he could come up with was “What do you mean?”

Cisco shrugged his shoulders. “Lingering stares, flirty smiles. You don’t light up when she enters the room like a lost puppy dog anymore. You seem...settled. Like a couple almost. I don’t know.”

Barry shifted his weight in his seat, attempting to channel the nervous energy he was feeling. He’d wanted so badly to tell Cisco about these new steps he’d taken with Iris, but she deserved someone who was excited to shout their relationship to the world from rooftops. 

Not someone who was having a hard time coping with day to day. His palms had started to sweat, so he wiped them on his pants. The dread on his face, shone through, regardless. “I don’t know what you mean.”

Cisco narrowed his gaze, but decided not to push things. “Okay, buddy. I’ll drop it. “

Barry shot him an offensive glance. “There’s nothing to drop. You’re wrong.” 

“Okay, I had just thought.”

“You thought wrong,” Barry cut in. “ Cause, don’t you think I’d tell you if something major like that had happened with Iris? The only girl I’ve loved my entire life?”

“You’re right. “Cisco smiled, shaking his head. “I obviously misread things.”

Except he hadn’t. 

Cisco wouldn’t out them if Barry wasn’t ready to share, but he and Iris weren’t as secretive as they thought they were. Nor were they as quiet. 

S.T.A.R lab was a state of the art facility that had bugs and cameras in almost every room.

Not to mention, he’d accidentally vibed them making out when he was trying to help locate Iris after an interview gone bad. 

So there was that.

“Anyway,” added Cisco, “I’m gonna head home if we’re done here today.”

Barry looked around the lab. Caitlin had already left that day. Cisco might as well too. “Yeah, man, have a great night.”

Cisco he powered down the workstation and patted Barry on the shoulder on the way out. “Stay strong my brother. 

_Strong._ Barry didn’t know what that was anymore. 

He might have been a lot of things, but strong wasn't one of the. Iris had been his strength the past couple of months, but he knew that he wouldn’t have her after he sent her this text that he’d drafted 1000 different ways: 

_**“Iris, these last two months have been some of the best, most heartbreaking moments of my life.** _

_**I never in my wildest dreams thought that you would ever return the love I’ve felt for you since I was a kid. And I’ve loved every second I’ve spent with you.** _

_**But in a lot of ways I’ve used our new dynamic as a crutch, as a way to numb myself from the pain. You’re worth more than that.** _

_**You deserve someone who can give you everything you need, not just physically, but also emotionally. I can’t be that man right now.** _

_**I don’t know if I’ll ever be that man. Not until I see if I can find some peace. Please don’t take this to mean that what we’ve done wasn’t everything I’ve ever wanted, it was. But I need to heal. From my father’s death. From my mother’s too. Truly.** _

_**And I think I need to do this alone. I think we need to go back to being just friends.** _

_**For now. I hope you understand.”** _

SENT. **_Whoosh._** Barry sped away from S.T.A.R Labs in a fury of electricity. His head was pounding widely, and the force of the wind knocking against his body was the only that alleviated it. He couldn’t cry going at those speeds, either. So he didn’t have to allow his tears that were threatening to spill out to manifest. So he ran, into the night. Through the City, around the world. And he wasn’t going to stop until his body gave out.

It could endure much more than his heart, which had no chance of healing from the blow he’d just inflicted on it.


	2. Chapter 2

**THE NEXT MORNING**

* * *

Iris woke up in her bed alone, without Barry or the excess body heat she’d grown accustomed to keep her warm. 

The chill in the air cut through even her blankets, so he pulled her covers up higher on her, in an attempt to shield herself from the nippiness. But also, because her heart was sitting uncomfortably in the pit of her stomach. 

Barry was...everything to her. 

And he’d discarded her like she was nothing. 

She knew that he was grieving, but she thought that she’d been helping him to cope. Apparently, she was just making things worse. He didn’t say that, of course, but that’s how she interpreted it. What else could she think?

Unable to sit in this new reality, Iris slid back under her covers, attempting to sleep. She didn’t feel like attempting to understand how this man who she loved more than herself could hurt her so deeply, and over a text message no less. 

She closed her eyes, willing her unconscious to take over her. A moment later she bolted up, grabbed her stomach and made a beeline for her bathroom. She hurled over her toilet, vomiting up the contents of her stomach for the second day in a row. Iris wiped the excess vomit away with the back of her hand, then flushed the toilet and stood up.

“Man, this is some stomach bug,” she said, as she walked to the sink.

In addition to the throwing up, she was also experiencing other symptoms. Sore breasts, headaches, back aches. In no condition to go to work, Iris turned on her faucet, and rinsed her mouth out in the sink before feeling her forehead. 

If she went now, maybe she could get a walk-in appointment with her doctor to get something to settle her stomach. But her head was cool, and her eyes looked normal. She pressed her fingers against her lymph nodes to detect swelling. 

Nothing.

Iris shrugged. "No need in spending on a co-pay for something that would resolve itself at home. 

Unable to stand the disgusting taste in her mouth any longer, she reached up to her medicine cabinet to retrieve her toothbrush and accidentally knocked over an unopened box of tampons. She’d bought them a few weeks ago, expecting her cycle to start soon. 

Iris gasped once she realized that it never had. “Wait a minute,” she said, counting backward since her last cycle, trying to reconcile the fear she was feeling. But the numbers lined up perfect: "Oh, God, Oh God, Oh God." She had to be pregnant. 

She and Barry had been so careful, except when they hadn’t. There had been at least two occasions when protection had been an afterthought, but she was sure her birth control had taken care of things. “Shit,” she said aloud. Pregnant and unmarried. Pregnant and unwanted. 

It took less than a second for the tears to start flowing.

How was she going to tell Barry?

How would he respond to the news?

Most importantly, was she prepared for motherhood?

*******************************************************************************************************

Three drug store pregnancy tests, and one glass of wine later (it was safe in moderation, and Iris needed something to calm her nerves) she entered S.T.A.R Labs, hoping that Barry was still at work and that Cisco would be down stairs in his workshop.

Iris set her sights on Caitlin Snow, who was, as she expected, in the medical bay.

“Iris,” Caitlin said, jovially. “What brings you here?”

“I’m pregnant.” Iris hoped ripping the ban-daid straight off would be less painful. She was wrong. 

“Oh!?” Caitlin blinked in surprise.“Are you...excited,” she asked, unable to read the expression on Iris’ face. 

Shock. Excitement. Fear, she wasn’t sure.”

Iris pointed to her bleak expression. “Does this look like the face of a woman who’s excited?” 

“Well, no,” Caitlin said gently. “I’m sorry if I…”

Iris shook her head. “Look, I’m Sorry for being snippy,” Iris said, “I guess mood swings have come to visit me early. God, I just can’t believe this happened.”

Caitlin scooted her computer chair from under her desk and slid it in Iris’s direction. “Please, take a seat.”

Iris smiled softly. “Thank you.”

Caitlin nodded and leaned her weight against her desk. “So, did you come here for an exam or something? Because the boys will be here soon, but I can schedule you sometime later this week.”

Iris shook her head. “No! I’m not ready for that yet. I just needed to talk to another woman.”

“Of course,” Caitlin said with a smile. Awkward silence followed.

"What?" Iris asked.

"Well, not to pry, but I didn’t know you had moved on from Eddie, that you’d been dating.”

Iris shifted her gaze down to the floor, in shame.

“What’s wrong?”

“Dating is a stretch, but I have been involved with someone for the past two months. ”

If dating as a stretch, then involved was the understatement of the year. Iris had fallen head over heels in love with Barry Allen. And she’d done so at the risk of hurting her own heart because she knew in that he wasn’t ready for a relationship. 

And she thought she could handle being friends with benefits, but she was wrong. She wanted more. She knew that, deep down, Barry did too. But he was not dealing with Henry’s death well. In fact, he wasn’t dealing with it at all. He had been suppressing his pain and using their newfound dynamic to do it.

Iris didn’t know how sturdy their relationship could ever be until he did. Still, she hoped that, after two months, they’d finally be able to at least talk about moving forward. Only for Barry to break things off.

Now she was pregnant. 

Caitlin noticed the somber expression on Iris’ face.

She kneeled down in front of her and placed a hand on her knee to offer comfort. “Aww honey , can you get in contact with the guy?”

Iris shrugged. “I guess. He lives close by, but even if he didn’t, he could be here in 2.5 seconds,” Iris added coldly with a roll of the eyes. 

“2.5 Seconds. That’s pretty fast.” Caitlin chuckled. “Must be a speedster."

Caitlin expected Iris to laugh at her little joke, but all she returned was an apathetic shrug.

"Wait. You don't mean...Barry?1” Caitlin gasped, as the reality registered. “It’s BARRY’s? OH My GOD? You two have been? Oh MY GOD!!?”

Iris jumped up and pressed her hand over Caitlin’s mouth. “Shhhh! He doesn’t know yet.”

Caitlin’s arms continued to flail, as Iris attempted to muffle her fast-paced mumbling. 

“Cait. Cait, Cait!” Iris said in a hushed whisper, “Please calm down.” Iris nodded Caitlin mirrored her motions and stopped yelling through her palm. When Iris was sure that she’d wouldn’t spill the beans, she removed her hand. 

Caitlin took a deep breath. A few actually. In through the nostrils. Out through the mouth. Finally composed, Caitlin finally spoke. “What are you going to do?”

“I don’t know. I just need you to keep this between us while I figure things out.”

“But you are going to tell Barry, right?”

“I. Well. I.”

“Iris, It will kill him if you keep this from him.”

“Holy shit, I was right!” Cisco exclaimed, unable to hide the fact that he’d been eavesdropping. But it wasn’t everyday that news this juicy traveled through S.T.A.R LAbs.

Both women jumped at the sound of Cisco's voice. Before they could respond, their eyes found the man who was standing behind Cisco, eyes wide: Barry. He’d just gotten in from CCPD, and when he couldn’t find anyone in the cortex, he’d gone searching throughout the building. 

“Pregnant?” Barry asked, flabbergasted. “You’re...you’re pregnant?” As a scientist, and as a human being who’d gone through middle school sex education, he always knew that it was a possibility, but he never thought she’d get pregnant so soon. They had been careful, hadn’t they? 

Caitlin turned her attention to Iris, who looked like she’d gotten the wind knocked out of her. She was staring at Barry, who was staring back at her. Caitlin placed a gentle hand on her shoulder to comfort her. Iris directed her gaze at Caitlin who whispered, “It’s Barry; talk to him; it’ll be okay.”

The doctor then grabbed her bag and hurried toward the exit, past Barry. When she noticed that Cisco was still standing there, mouth agape, she grabbed his hand and yanked him away. Barry still stood at the entrance. Iris stood, uncomfortably on the other side of the room, wringing her hands. The silence between them was thick and suffocating, completely filling every crevice of the room.

Unable to stand it any longer, Iris hurriedly gathered her bag over her shoulder, and headed where Barry was standing. She wished she had the courage to walk past him, but she owed him an explanation, even as angry and heart broken as she was. 

Face to face, she could see that Barry’s eyes were glazed over. “So I guess you heard all of that. That I’m pregnant.”

Her voice was even, devoid of the plethora of emotions she was feeling inside. Fear. Anger. Sadness. None of the things she thought she’d be feeling if she’d found out she was pregnant with Barry Allen’s child. “However, your text message made it very clear that this is not your issue,” she added. 

No matter how she wanted to, she wouldn't break down in front of him. 

Before he could say anything, she gathered her bag on her shoulder and attempted to walk away.

“Iris,” Barry said finally, turning towards her. Seeing the fear in her eyes, fear which she was trying so, so hard to hide -- his own face, frozen from the shock of what he’d walked in on, softened. 

Still, she kept walking. He quickened his pace to catch up to her and reached out to grab her shoulder. “Iris!” 

She pulled herself out of his grip. “Don’t!”

He stopped dead in his tracks. “Look, I know that you’re angry with me, but please, talk to me. Please. His voice broke on the second please, and it almost threatened to soften her. _Almost._

Iris huffed and crossed her arms across her chest. “You had zero interest in talking to me two days ago. A one paragraph text seemed to suffice.”

Barry took a step forward. “And I was wrong. But I have the courage to tell you. And you have to know, it killed me to send it. ”

“Yeah,” Iris huffed. “Well imagine what receiving it felt like. You knocked the fucking wind out of me!"

Barry bit back his tears. He knew that he’d hurt Iris, but not to this extent.

It was the last thing he’d ever wanted to do, but he just couldn’t bear to keep her dipping in and out despair with him. Scrounging up enough energy to even continue being the Flash, to go to work -- it was only because of Iris, he’d been able to do it.

When the bad thoughts crept in, telling him he had nothing to live for anymore, he could reach out and grab her hand, and somehow, he was able to drown that voice. A simple glance, or smile could ground him.

The heat of her skin, pressed against his, in the middle of the night, tethered him to the earth, when all he wanted to do was float away into the void. But she deserved more than being his energy source. She deserved someone who could be for her what she was to him, and he just didn’t have it in him right now.

“Hurting you was the last thing I wanted to do.”

“Then why, Barry?” Iris’s voice quaked with every syllable. “Why did you discard me like a used rag? I thought we had something special. ”

"We did@ But I don’t know how to function since my father died. I can’t control my emotions. Some days, I don’t know what end is up. But what I do know is that it’s not fair to make you live in my turmoil anymore.”

“So,” Iris said slowly, attempting to avoid lashing out, “You ended things because you thought _I_ was unhappy. Without even asking me?"

“Iris.”

“Because, let me tell you, you were enough for me, Barry! You, as you were, as you are, as you have been, were enough! All of the last two months, the pathetic shelter we made out of my apartment, the sad movies, the self-deprecating jokes, the crying, the sex -- all of it, I was content because I was with you, my best friend, the person I was falling in love with.”

Tears streamed down her face as she poured her heart out to Barry.

Tears which she couldn’t have stifled if she wanted to. Not that it mattered.

They couldn’t expose her anymore than her words already had.

Barry covered his hand with his mouth, and hung his head in shame. His own tears were now streaming down his face. There were a thousand things he wanted to say in this moment. _Please, don’t cry. I love you too. You’re everything to me._ But words were lost on him. It’s not like anything he could have said could heal the pain he’d caused Iris. 

“Was it easy?” Iris, continued, "Of course not. I’ve have to tiptoe around you for the weeks! Trying to give you time to heal. Trying to accommodate your ever-changing headspace: giving you space when you wanted it, intimacy when you needed it. But you've been reeling me in, then hanging me out to dry like I’m your dirty little secret or something.”

Barry’s head shot up. “Iris, you know that’s not how I feel. You were never a secret, and definitely not a dirty one.” 

“Yeah, well, actions mean more than words.” 

“Iris. Please.”

“Do you know what hurt the worst? When you were done with me, you couldn’t even tell me to my face. I thought you were texting me to confirm our plans, but no, but you had other plans, didn’t you. “ 

Iris stepped further into Barry, whose gaze was still directed at the floor. She brought her hands to his face, and directed his focus up to hers. The pain in his eyes nearly broke her. He looked just as lost and broken as the night she found him on the porch after Henry’s funeral, and that ate away at her. 

But she could no longer put Barry’s needs and feelings before her own. She had to think about herself, and their baby. “So now I have to redirect my energy for this child inside of me, Barry. I never thought I’d have a baby at this point in my life, but what’s done is done. And this anger, this...this...heartache can’t be healthy. So, I’m going to request that you respect _my_ desire for space while I come to terms with things. Just as I respected yours.” 

As soon as the last word flowed, she turned and headed for the exit. She didn’t know what she’d say if Barry tried to follow her, or demand she talk to him, but for her sake, or perhaps to her detriment, she didn’t have to find out. 

**LATER THAT NIGHT**

* * *

By Iris’ calculations, she had about seven and a half months to educate herself on this new journey she was about to embark on: motherhood. 

As angry as she was with Barry, and as scared as she was about how a child would impact her future, she hadn’t considered, even for a moment, to get rid of him or her. She already loved them, more than she loved herself. And ready or not, they were coming. She needed to be prepared. 

A knock at the door tore Iris away from her “research” on _Romper_ , a website for young moms which Iris was sure was romanticizing what motherhood was really like. _Must be Barry_. She sighed; asking Barry for space, was the hardest thing she’d ever done.

Her words had sliced through him like a razor blade; the pain on his face was hard to witness. But it had been necessary. Still, she didn’t think she’d be able to turn him away twice in one day. At her door, Iris stood on her tiptoes so that she could see through her peep hole. Surprisingly, the person on the other side of the door was not the father of her child; it was Caitlin. For the first time in two days, a smile spread across Iris’ face. 

She unlocked and opened the door. “Caitlin, what are you doing here?”

Caitlin smiled warmly. “I thought you could use a little pick-me-up.” She opened the grocery bag in her hand, and pulled out a half-gallon of chocolate chip ice cream. “I know wine is ideal, but under the circumstances…” she added, diverting her gaze to Iris’ stomach.

Iris pressed her hand to her heart, genuinely touched. “Aww, thank you Cait. I really appreciate this. Please, do come in.”

"...So, I hope I’m not overstepping, but I’m curious?” Caitlin said, as she spooned ice cream into her mouth, “How long has all of this been going on?”

“Two months. Give or take. Since Henry’s funeral. Barry was so...broken, in such a bad place, I was so afraid he was going to go do something stupid. I just wanted to make him feel better, so we went somewhere to talk, and one thing led to another...and another, and another and then, we just couldn’t stop.”

“Oh,” Caitlin said, slightly surprised at Iris’ candidness. Over the last two years, they had forged somewhat of a bond, due to their proximity to Barry, but she knew they weren’t best friends or anything. It was...nice, to have her confide in her in this way.

“Pathetic I know, “Iris said, scooping ice cream into her mouth. 

Caitlin shook her head. “No, it’s not pathetic, love is...hard to find. And I know this isn’t ideal but. ”

"Wait. Who said anything about love?” 

Caitlin raised a knowing brow. “You didn’t have to say it. I’ve noticed how you’ve been acting around him lately. I’ve known for awhile how Barry felt about you, but from your end -- the change has been very obvious, and surprising. I had actually been wondering how long it would be before you told him. I had no idea your relationship had progressed on the physical front, especially not to the point where you could create a child together.”

“Yeah, well, like I said, we got carried away.” Iris sighed. “I wasn’t expecting this either. Neither of us were.”

“Oh, so you _were_ being safe?”

“Safe- _ish_.”

Caitlin pressed her lips together and sat her spoon down. “Not to be the annoying doctor, but you know that in order for contraceptives to work most effectively, you have to use them every time.”

Iris nodded. “I know, I know. We just weren’t thinking.”

Those nights with Barry had been a whirlwind. He was in such a bad place most of the time, but even in the midst of his grief, their relationship had entered this new, foreign territory. 

Overnight, they had gone from friends to lovers, and it had been confusing, scary, but also beautifully invigorating, and freeing. 

Barry, to her surprise, had turned out to be a gentle, competent lover. He worshipped every single inch of her body, from head to toe, pouring into her a lifetime worth of love and devotion every time they had sex. He didn’t know it, but she needed him just as much as she’d needed her. 

On one particular evening, their need for each other reached its apex. 

Iris arrived at her apartment after work to find a solemn soul sprawled out across her couch, drinking directly from a bottle of her whiskey. 

“Barry.” She’d approached the couch hesitantly. Alcohol didn’t affect him, so she was confused. “You’re drinking? But I thought...”

“I know, but I just like the way it burns on the way down.” His voice was gravelly, like he’d spent the past few hours crying his eyes out. “It sets my throat on fire for a second before my metabolism neutralizes it. Makes me feel something, anything.”

“Oh, Barry.” Iris plopped down next to him and ran a hand through his hair. “Do you wanna talk?”

“Nope. I just want to sit here and enjoy the burn.”

Iris sighed. It had been about three weeks since Henry’s funeral, and Barry’s moods were still quite unpredictable. He could go from being uneasily withdrawn, to being happy and chipper, to being...however you could classify this current mood, all in the span of an hour. 

Grief affected everyone differently, and she was learning to ride the ebb and flow of his mental state, as they came. Today, he obviously needed to be with his own thoughts -- without her. Or so she thought. 

She patted him on the leg, then started to get up and leave, but a firm hand, tugged on her arm, and pulled her down into his lap. A bottle in his left hand, and his right hand settled nicely on Iris’ thigh, his mouth commented on the form fitting dress she was wearing; The way it hugged her curves, and showed off her svelte figure, how eager he was to get underneath it, but his eyes, which were red and puffed over, said, “Iris, please don’t leave me. I need you.”

And so she didn’t.

She stayed with Barry all night on the couch. Through the faux tough guy act; through the piercing, gut wrenching sobs that usually followed; and then when they couldn’t be “on” anymore, when words could no longer quell the pain, through the lovemaking, that was too spontaneous and feral to take to her bedroom.

That night, her couch absorbed the impact of their dalliance, as they both tried to find a sliver of peace in the rhythm of each other’s bodies, in the comfort of each other’s mouths and tear stained faces.. She stayed, still, after it was over, clutching Barry to her chest until he’d fallen asleep, finally free from his everlasting torment. It wasn’t until the next morning, when the sunlight pouring in through the kitchen windows, found her and woke her from her slumber that she realized they’d forgotten to use a condom. 

The stickiness that had pooled in between her legs alarmed her even more, but she was on birth control, and had been consistently since college. 

Surely, it would cover them, she'd though.

“Except, it obviously didn’t,” Iris said to Caitlin, finishing her recounting of the night their her and Barry’s baby had probably been conceived. She resisted the urge to kick her own butt for being so careless. “Now, I’m fucked.”

  
  
  
  



End file.
